my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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