Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
