I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
