I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
