I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
