i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
