note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
