So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
