I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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