im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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