I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
