somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
