Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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