probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
