I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
