I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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