i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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