Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
