i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
