u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
