we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
