I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
