Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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