my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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