Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
