even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
