apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
