Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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