That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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