Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
