Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm too high and old for this...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
