Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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