i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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