I just gift wrapped bread.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
