Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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