Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
FUCK WHALES
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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