I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
