Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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