he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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