when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
