I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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