you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
