Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
