Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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