I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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