God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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