ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
