I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
