Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
