There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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