Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
