I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
