omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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