So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
