Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
