dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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