even my farts smell like vagina
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
